2:55 in the morning and I am wide awake.
It might be due to the fact that I have been obsessively checking the news and am now way too informed about the state of the Middle East, it might be due to my excitement about skyping with Rozit in the morning, or it might be due to my inability to turn my mind off.
Since I got back from Israel about a month ago, I have been trying to figure out life. Not in the deep, existential, “what are we here for” kind of way, but in the most basic “what do I want to do with my life” kind of way.
For a year or two I was certain that I wanted to be a child psychologist. And I still think that I would enjoy it. But it’s not something that I’m sure about anymore. If you had asked me right before my college graduation where my life was headed, I would be able to give you a pretty solid answer; grad school, then find a good job, meet a nice Jewish boy, and settle down, maybe start a family. But the thing is that when I had this all “figured out,” I was only 21 years old. 21. Just old enough to legally buy alcohol, so why did I think that I was equipped to decide how I would want to spend the rest of my life?
Turns out I wasn’t. Maybe it’s because I took a year off before I went to grad school that I am now able to picture myself doing so many things other than psychology. Or maybe I took the year off because I knew deep down that I wasn’t quite ready to commit to grad school. Who knows.
So now here I am, spending way too much time with nothing but my thoughts to occupy my time. I am trying to decide what my future will entail. I won’t get into the details because those of you who are reading this have most likely heard me fret about this nonstop and I will save you the annoyance of having to hear it again.
But let me say this: one conclusion that I have come to is that at the ripe old age of 22 (almost 23!) I know that I am still so young and that my whole life is ahead of me. Nothing that I decide has to be permanent, even though it definitely feels like the opposite is true – that what I decide now heavily dictates what will come in the future. But I can choose option A and love it, stay with option A and be glad about it. However, if option A doesn’t make me happy, who’s to say that there aren’t countless of other options out there that will make me happy?
Who knows where life will take us and what will happen 1 day from now, much less 1 year from now. I guess all you can do is take a deep breath, count to ten, and have faith in the choices that you make for yourself. As for right now, I’m choosing to stop worrying so that I can try to get some sleep.